I remember the night when I succumbed to your gentle whispers.
You promised me that, if I followed your words of wisdom, the pressures, anxieties and fears that I felt in the would evaporate and finally leave me alone.
I wanted to be at peace, with myself and the world, and you said that, together, we could have achieved those things – if only we could manipulate what we put into our mouths and how hard we worked to please other people.
I believed you, wanting to finally be somebody, acceptable and, most of all, loved.
But, as I soon found out, your promises became as empty as my concave stomach and emaciated ribs.
Your gentle whispers became as sharp and painful as the jutting bones that protruded from my angular body.
As the months and years drew on, you became my worst enemy, but also my best friend. I could turn to you in the dark, but only with the reassurance that my life would remain just as black, bleak and lifeless.
Despite your lies and encouragement for me to become restrictive and deceitful around food, I clung to you as my only hope, out of fear that, without you, I would be less than a nothing, a nobody.
But, no matter how much our hands intertwined, the more I was vanishing from this world, leaving family, friends and any previous interests behind.
You snatched any joy you could take from my life, as though I was the one who stole it from you. And, instead of giving it back, you replaced it by years of sitting in whitewashed rooms, with doctors and stern medical professionals who didn’t really understand, and other patients who were also suffering beneath the weight of your manipulation.
Through the frosty window of my hospital bed, I watched the seasons flow and flowers bloom outside, feeling as though I would never be able to experience such natural beauty because my body and mind was still and forever wilting…
Unknowingly, you also stole the twinkle in my eye, my zest for life and, eventually, the light in my soul too. I wept when you began to snatch the life of a friend too, while you comforted me with the chilling words saying “You will be next”.
I remember thinking that your voice would soon change and that someday, maybe someday, we could forget this war and mission to starve ourselves out of existence. But, deep down, you and I longed to win, even though we both knew that winning meant death – One less soul on the planet to blossom. One less soul to nourish the seeds in others and nurture our preciously beautiful planet called home.
You, with your mischievous and cunning smile, silenced me. Any words were overshadowed by the incessant creaking of my osteoporosis ridden bones and the constant arguing between my family members who didn’t know what to do or where to turn for help.
In some ways, I must admit that it was comforting at some points to be unwell. Finally, it seemed as though other people ‘saw’ me through the shadows, and that I was worthy of help, even though you wouldn’t allow me to accept any of it without a fight or self-punishment.
I remember spending hours obsessing about food, too scared to place anything near my blue tainted lips because I knew that your harsh words would feel like fireworks to my mind. The guilt and shame you induced felt like being thrown into a coal fire, but on the bright side, at least it was warm
Looking into the mirror, I no longer saw a person. Just oddly unfitting shapes that appeared out of alignment and disconnected – withering body parts that I loathed and had no purpose.
The death-defying gap between my thighs told me that even my legs were no longer friends, and I was no longer theirs.
The sagging skin around my body told a similar story as my sunken face and sullen eyes, while my chapped skin, deprived of any moisture, became a barren wasteland…
To me, these were all signs of my soul continual extraction from my body. The seed originally planted inside me upon my creation was now infertile.
But now, as I write this farewell letter to you, I know that you were wrong to promise me anything.
I no longer hate you, because even though you made me and so many others suffer for what seemed like an eternity, you also taught me some valuable lessons.
You taught me how to fight
You taught me how to cry
You taught me to be wary and stand up for myself
You taught me who my real friends were
Through those lessons, you also made me believe that I had been burried, and forget that I was actually a seed, who was always destined to grow. Your dark nutrient deficient soils actually made me stronger to the harsh conditions of this world, helping me to grow taller and more purposefully than I could have ever imagined.
Most importantly, you made me who I am today, and even though we are no longer friends, you are no longer my enemy.
In fact, I forgive you because I realise that your harshness to me was just a reflection of yourself – someone longing for love and acceptance.
Before we depart ways forever, I would like you to know that everyone deserves love. We don’t have to be perfect, ill enough, emaciated or dead to be successful or loved in this world – we are good enough right now, at this moment, forever.
Someday, everyone on this planet will learn just how vital the art of self-love is because it always sets us free. It set me free from you. Self-love also sets us free from the vicious voices of our own minds, as well as any unnecessary restrictions or pressures placed upon us, so we can eventually go out into the world, find our purpose, and nurture it in the best way we know how.
My mission on this planet is no longer about food, perfection or wasting away. It is about a journey of LOVE, connecting, creating and finding a beautiful balance to live with others in our precious world that we need to take care of just as much as ourselves.
HATE doesn’t get a look in, because no one was EVER born out of hate, only LOVE.
In the end, that is all there will ever be, and so that is what I choose. LOVE
LOVE for food
LOVE for my body
LOVE for my mind
LOVE for everyone
LOVE for our entire world
Even in our darkest of times, we can remember, that we are LOVE, and out of our soul’s seed, even in the darkest and nutrient deficient of soils, LOVE will always grow and BLOOM
Source: Eating Disorder Recovery